What Not To Say To A Phantom Phantic
by CodeCracker3
Summary: My sister happens to be the biggest phantom phantic that I know.  I, myself, do not care for it that much  And I've learned, through expirence, that there are certain things that cross the line. Please enjoy some of my personal mishaps!
1. Chapter 1

**Things to Never Mention To a Phantom Phantic**

Don't say that Raoul is better looking than the Phantom.

Never mention that Christine could be the daughter of the Phantom, considering that Madame Giry knew him as a child, and her child (Meg) was Christine's age. *shudders*

Be sure to cover yourself when you say the Phantom has "emotional problems" and that he's "too sensitive".

Think of a different word instead of "pedophile" when you want to talk about the age difference between the Phantom and Christine.

Ignore the fact that Madame Giry seems to have feelings for the Phantom, and you never know who Meg's father is…

When watching the movie, restrain yourself from making remarks on the Phantom's lair. (how DID that horse get in there…?)

Despite the fact that he's a murderer, a kidnapper, blackmailer, and womanizer, the Phantom is still a "good guy."

Never, ever, laugh out loud during the movie when the Phantom gets his ass kicked by Raoul. Nor should you snicker at his defeated expression.

Fail to mention that the name "Erik" means "ruler of all"

Never ask why the Phantom likes grand entrances instead of simply walking into the masquerade. (Well, why would he ruin the night for everyone?)

Try to contain yourself before you ask why he would give her the ring Raoul gave her.

When you remark that the phantom wasn't really ugly in the movie, try to ignore the exasperated sighs and the "I can't deal with her!"

When Christine dies in 1917, don't mention that the Phantom is STILL ALIVE despite the fact that he was almost forty (fifty) years older than her when she was sixteen.

Apparently Raoul is a fop. Isn't that funny, considering that the Phantom cares a heck of a lot about his appearance? (wigs, masks, clothes, etc.)

Only silently think about the gum that appears in Christine's mouth in the movie.

When the phantom Phan you know goes on and on about the Phantom's bravery, mention that Patrick Wilson (who played Raoul in the movie) was the only one who did his stunts.

When the candles emerge from the water in the movie, don't wonder aloud how all the electricity and power was there in the 1800's.

Ignore the fact that if the Phantom really, really, loved her, he wouldn't have threatened to kill her boyfriend.

Who knew that PTO meant "please turn over?" Maybe that could mean "Phantom of the Opera"

Never ask why the Phantom would need 20,000 francs a month if Madame Giry gets him everything.

Isn't it strange that he know the exact measurement of Christine's dress…

**Please review! I'll be back for more!**


	2. Chapter 2

**You Know You've Had Too Much Phantom When…**

-every time you see a chandelier, you shudder in fear

-"Michael Crawford" and "Sarah Brightman" become household names.

-As far as you're concerned, there are only two teams that really matter: Team Erik or Team Raoul

-You've grown fond of dark spaces

-When you see someone who spells his name "Eric" you freak out

-When roses become your favorite flower, even when you're allergic

-Older men who seem a little crazy become overly attractive to you

-You have a Christine voodoo doll, and when she kisses the Phantom for the last time, you stick a pin in her…"That should be ME!"

-Any well-dressed, groomed guy you see you feel the urge to call a fop

-when the piano becomes your favorite instrument, even when you couldn't play to save your life

-every time you see a rope, you laugh mischievously until your poor friends pull you away

-when EVERY SINGLE Phantom of the Opera soundtrack available is downloaded onto your iPod. "Mascarade!"

-cry every time you see the Phantom of the Opera marquee in New York

-you sometimes lurk around in corners and become overly obsessive with the mirror in your room

-black has become your favorite color

-when you walk into a costume store, you go straight to the masks

-Halloween has become your favorite day of the year to dress up

-you've read the book numerous times, and can quote line from line…

-when you see a grasshopper, you always mutter to yourself…"The grasshopper jumps jolly high!"

-When Christine escapes with Raoul you throw yourself to the floor, sobbing, while shouting, "He should have died! HE SHOULD HAVE DIED!"

-You warn people all the time "Keep your hand at the level of your eyes" and when give you a strange look, you laugh at them

-you compare every new pop star with Carlotta

-when you want to insult someone, you shout, "You little viper! You little prying Pandora!" "Damn you…Curse you!"

-5 becomes your new lucky number

-graveyards are the new definition of fun

-look for the sadness of the world in everyone's eyes

-pledge yourself to the Phantom

-every love song your hear reminds you of the bond between the Phantom and Christine

-when you heard Christine dies in _Love Never Dies, _you laugh and say, "That's what you get for rejecting the Phantom! Now he's mine…ALL MINE!"

**Please review! I'll be back!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all! I would like to take a moment of your precious time to thank you all for your reviews! They make me happy! (:**

**Now, this chapter is a shortie, and I apologize. I am in a bit of a writer's block. (Someone get me out of here! It's dark and scary...)**

**ANYWAYS, enjoy!**

**Lessons Taken Out From _The Phantom of the Opera_**

-When a stranger enters your dressing room, get an enchanted look on your face and follow wherever this man with a mask wherever you go—even if you've never seen him before.

-Hearing those "voices" is a good thing.

-Everything, love, violence, and even confessing can be said (and sounds better) through song.

-Looks aren't everything. They are the only thing.

-Sometimes, hanging a guy just makes you feel better inside.

-It takes skill to sing and swing a sword at the same time.

-"Thou shall not covet a neighbor's wife" does not apply in everyday life

-Entrances should always be dramatic

-Violence is the answer to all your problems.

-Mirrors aren't just for looking at yourself anymore. They also are secret passages which lead you to dungeons of **DOOM.**

-The underdog never wins ):

-There are stalkers everywhere! (quick, behind you!)

-The guy with the silky hair and good clothes always wins.

-One must not underestimate the power of an anonymous note.

**I forgot to mention, I have uploaded another story, _A Phantastic Adventure,_ about two sisters and when they stumble across three mysterious characters...(could it be Raoul Christine or Phantom? Possibly.)**

**I would be ever grateful if you glanced at it. Thanks! (: I'll be back...**


	4. Chapter 4

**My, it's good to be back! I missed you all! I'm sorry for another short chapter, but I've got a science test tomorrow, and I want to do well in it...**

**Anyway, thank you to ThePassionateRose for her idea for this chapter. I highly recommend her Phantom story, _Never Say Goodbye_ for you romance lovers out there. **

**As always, please review!**

**A Test To See If Your Friends A Secret Phantics**

-Leave a rose out on the table. See how long it takes for them to inspect the stem for a ring

-Tell them you want to double date with her and say her date is "an older man"

-Mention the name Erik as many times as possible

-Turn off the lights and play creepy music. Let's see how well they cope to "the music of the night"

-Take them to a freak show and watch them scour for the "devil's child"

-Older, creepy men catch her eye

-Any good looking guy becomes a "fop"

-Take your unsuspecting friend to a large room with a chandelier and a bunch of people in it. Let's hope her first reaction is not to drop the chandelier.** (If it is…well, you're kinda screwed, aren't you?)**

-send her an anonymous email from . When the inbox clutters up, you know your friend needs help.

-when the lead singer of a school musical suddenly can't sing, you search your friend's locker to see if they had any concoctions that might have caused this.

-any girl named "Christine" they automatically hate, even if she happens to be the nicest person ever.

-when their Facebook relationship status goes to "it's complicated," ask them if Erik is acting all moody again.

-give them a rope-tying kit for their birthday. If you never see it again, that's good. If you see them obsessively making nooses and hanging little voodoo dolls that suspiciously look the Raoul, get nervous…

-Invite them to a Masquerade party you were planning on hosting. If they enter with a flashing sword and singing about Don Juan, tell them they've gone to the wrong house.

-hum a _Phantom_ song softly; see if their initial response is to hum it back.

-when told never to talk to strangers, your friend fights saying that not all strangers are stalkers…"Some want to HELP or LOVE you!"

-Every once in a while, your friend peers at the back of a mirror to see if there is an entrance on the other side.

**If you know anybody who does this, well good luck buddy.**

**Welcome to my world.**


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Erik/Phantom of the Opera/Opera Ghost/Loathsome Gargoyle/Angel of Music/Christine's Singing Tutor/Red Death/A beast that yearns for beauty, etc.:

Let me just ask you one thing: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Did you really think that keeping Christine captive was really going to make her love you? Because I don't know about other people, but living in a dark, wet, cold basement with a creepy guy wouldn't exactly turn me on.

We have words for you kind of people. Pedophiles and stalkers.

Another thing I have to mention…what is it with all the names? Couldn't you have gone similar, like the name Darryl? What's wrong with Darryl? Because I think Darryl is a much, much nicer name than "the Phantom of the Opera." It's too dramatic. Also, I think Ozzy Osbourne was going for that name before you coveted it. So he had to settle for the "Prince of Darkness"

Not only are you a child molester (true—we don't have the evidence…yet) you also STEAL. AND THAT"S WRONG.

How, I wonder, you can get away with this, but then I remember you have people working undercover for you.

That's right. I know all about Madame Giry. Did you know there's a conspiracy about you and her? Supposedly, you and her had a little fun one day, and oh, she's pregnant with Meg. Doesn't really support your case with her father never mentioned, does it? Maybe that's why she looks really pissed, you two timer you!

Something else to consider—you are really, really sensitive. That bothers me. When you cry, I feel like I have to be the man here. I understand that it's nice when a man is sensitive, but when you're too sensitive, there's an awkwardness between you and your fans.

Listen, if it's your man-time off the month, I understand. But give us a warning, alright?

Finally, and more importantly, your murderous ways are weird. Just plain weird. True you had a disastrous past, but don't you think this hanging thing is blowing way out of proportion?

Keep this in mind the next time.

Your humble hater,

CodeCracker3

(see how I just sign off nicely? No fire, no skull. Some things don't need a lot of drama.)

**Please review! (:**


	6. Chapter 6

**As always, please review. Only a couple chapters left...(:**

Dear Christine:

Just out of curiosity: where's your soul? Don't you know that you were going to break someone's heart either way?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you made the wrong choice. But a lot of people beg to differ.

Let's start out with the choices you make.

NEVER LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. Period.

Did you notice your precious little Raoul didn't even begin to "love" you after you put on a performance at the Paris Opera House? (BTW, I thought you were a little pitchy…is all the stress of being beautiful and being caught in a love triangle catching up to you? Poor baby.)

You never noticed that there's an entrance to your mirror. Seriously? How dumb are you?

Why would you take your mask off? That's just rude. Would you have liked it if the Phantom took your dress off?

Why, oh why, would you let a stranger lead you underneath an Opera House? It's like telling the strange guy that you would love some candy, and you'll help him find his dog! Please. Have some common sense.

You're a player. Two guys at once….naughty, naughty Christine. And those dresses don't exactly qualify you for "innocent" Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Okay, you kissed the Phantom, he's sobbing because his dream comes true…and you leave him. Which leads me back to my original question: Where's your soul?

You just can't decide can't you?

Let me get to the best part of this letter:

People hate you.

Whether it's for pissing off the Phantom, or deciding to go with Raoul, a majority of the Phans out there want to fricassee you guts and eat them.

And that's them on a good day.

So consider this a warning: think twice before you hurt somebody.

Who knows? Maybe the Phantom will still want you back. Or not.

Sincerely,

CodeCracker3


	7. Chapter 7

**Please review! That's all I ask of you...**

Dear Raoul:

I'm telling you this because I care…your hair is sooooooo last season. I thought you would have known that, being a fashion guru that you are.

People call you a fop. Now, I was wondering, (you know, in case "fop" is in one of my future SAT tests)

Is "fop" another word for "gay"?

I'm not saying being gay is a bad thing, because it's not, but everyone has their suspicions about you. From the tight pants to the fancy coats, some Phantics are just so confused about you.

Including me. If you really, really, loved Christine, how come it took you so long to notice her again? HMMMMMMM? Why? Interesting.

Also, you need to listen to directions. When Madame Giry tells you to keep your hand above your eyes…YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR EYES! She knows what she's talking about.

There's a reason there are more Erik/Christine shippers. No one likes you. No offense, of course. I take that back. Keep the offense.

You fight like a girl when the Phantom sword-fights you. You almost got your pretty little ass whooped. How did that feel?

Anyways, believe me. You're not wanted here. Or anywhere else.

I'm sure the Phantics out here agree with me.

Regards,

CodeCracker3


	8. LAST CHAPTER

**Last Chapter folks!**

**To All Those Phantics Out There:**

First, my gratitude goes out to you all. Your reviews and support encouraged me to pursue this interesting journey.

Secondly, I must confess:

I AM NOT A PHANTIC.

Yes, yes, it's true. To be honest, I don't know who Ramin Karmaloo is, I'm sorry. It took me the longest time to distinguish Gerard Butler and Michael Crawford!

That said, I'm not officially on any "team". Both Raoul and Erik seem okay to me...you take your pick!

But I hope you understand. I have great respect for all you Phantics. I think it's nice to have some people obsessing over true love means, instead of this crap that Twilight is all about.

Anyways, I appreciate the reviews and flattering comments. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Also, a big big thanks to my own sister. She is the biggest phantic I know, and is the inspiration for many of the circumstances of this story.

Thirdly, I would like to steer you in another direction. I have another story, called A Phantastic Adventure. It centers around two girls who stumble across Erik, Christine, and Raoul in present day. If you're in need of a laugh, I hope you check it out….that's all I ask of you!

A little shout-out to the reviewers who commented the most and inspired me to do more (you know who you are!)

-**Anon**

**-PanicAtTheEpicness**

**-Jackie Pimienta**

**- ThePassionateRose**

**-Phantom's Lil Waffle.**

Ideas? Comments? Suggestions? Things you've hated? Things you loved? Please review one last time!

_Because Phantoms…please enchant me once again, you are my muse, and this is the dues of my writing! _

_Please Phantics, can you deny me the triumph in store?_

_Review, Phantics, once more!_

My pathetic attempt at trying to fit "Prima Donna" into these circumstances. I apologize for my irrational behavior.

I am, forever, your obedient servant,

CodeCracker3

(See? Maybe I have learned some things after all….)


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